A little boy pulls a girl’s hair, and the girl is told, “if a boy likes you he will tease you”. A boy snaps a girl’s bra in junior high, she’s told to stop being so sensitive. The high school boys take off their shirts in gym while running because it’s so hot, the girls are told their shorts are too short and they’re “distracting the boys”.
Boys will be boys.
As a society, we routinely excuse the behavior of boys while overwhelmingly placing the blame on women. We need to dress modestly because boys could get distracted. We can’t flirt because a man could say we were “leading them on”. We need to go everywhere in groups and walk to our car with our keys between our fingers. We need to stay sober because a man could take advantage of us.
Boys will be boys.
This attitude starts early with boys’ behavior consistently being excused as “being boys”, but here’s the thing. Boys being boys doesn’t mean being rough, naughty, and disrespectful. So boys will not “be boys” in that manner if that isn’t what’s expected of them.
3 Simple Reasons Why My Boys Will Not Be Boys
Boys Will Be Boys Implies Boys are Bad
Boys will be boys is never really used to describe positive behavior. My boys are sensitive, kind, funny, and gentle. No one sees Mr. C helping take care of his baby sister and says, “boys will be boys”.
Boys aren’t naturally bad. Boys aren’t naturally bullies. Boys aren’t naturally rapists.
Boys will be boys implies that the natural state of boys is violent and scary, and that’s just not true. Parents can teach their boys about body autonomy and consent. Parents can teach their boys to respect women.
Boys are not lost causes. Do not give up on your boys, Mama. Do not believe the world that tells you that your boys will be rude and disrespectful, and don’t excuse their behavior. Teach them when they’re little, and hopefully they’ll remember when they’re big.
Boys Will Be Boys Is Dangerous for Women
I’m sure you’ve seen the news reports of the recent events regarding a college athlete. The controversy around this case has been insane.
If you haven’t seen, the basics are that a woman was raped by a college athlete. There are witnesses, there is tons of evidence. He was sentenced to six months, which may turn into three months with good behavior. It turns out, the judge was also a college athlete.
Boys will be boys justifies rape and discounts victims.
Boys will be boys causes women to be on alert 100% of the time.
Boys buy condoms when going to college, while women buy rape whistles. This is the society that we’ve created by letting boys will be boys to continue.
Boys Will Be Boys is Insulting to Boys
Like I mentioned before, this phrase implies that men are animals who can’t control their instincts, and that’s really insulting.
To assume that a man can’t see a woman in a skirt without attacking her? That he can’t see a drunk girl and help her instead of taking advantage of her? That he can’t hear a girl in his class say “don’t touch me” and respect her no?
That’s not a world I want my boys involved in.
My boys will play. They will (and do, often) get dirty. My boys will wrestle. My boys will run. They will obsess over cars. They will become teenagers with raging hormones.
My boys will not degrade women and get away with it. My boys will not touch anyone without their consent without consequence. My boys will not snap bras, un-tie bikinis, or pants their classmates and be excused for simply displaying “boy” behavior.
I teach my boys to be respectful of all people. I teach my boys to respect consent. I teach my boys to learn, to help, to advocate, and to stand up for what’s right.
Apparently, to society, that means that my boys will not be boys.
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Amen Sister! I have two boys and am expecting twins in just a couple of months, one of which will also be a boy. Our sons are being taught to respect women, and people in general and nothing less than that is acceptable. My oldest who just got done with Young 5’s for the school year had a little friend who was constantly bullying other kids, saying bad words, and would even be mean to my son who was his only real friend. While the other kids parents sad, “Hey he is 5 and boys will be boys”, I was constantly reminding my son that this was unacceptable and that sometimes friends didn’t make good choices. I event went as far as telling him that sometimes people didn’t make good friends at all and that he needed to think about if this other boy should really even be his friends.
My son chose to say friends with this little boy, and I allowed it. My son has been taught the difference between right and wrong. It is my hope that he can be a good influence on this child and show him the right way to act. It truly breaks my heart to think this other boy is being raised to think this kind of behavior is okay.
Sorry for the book response! LOL I guess you struck a cord with me this morning!
YES! This is exactly what I’m talking about. Bullying, aggressive, naughty behavior shouldn’t be accepted or expected simply because they’re boys!
I think there is a cultural difference (I live in the UK). Here “boys will be boys” (and “girls will be girls”) simply means children will do things that children will enjoy – they will roll in the mud and shout and stomp up and down stairs, talk too loudly and refuse to eat their vegetables ….
How sad for children that there are places where the phrase is used to excuse sexually aggressive behaviour :-(
I think if the phrase were, “kids will be kids” I’d take less issue with it. Here we don’t really have a “girls will be girls”. Just boys, and it’s used to excuse all behavior.
I can handle kid-behavior, but aggressive nastiness? No way!
Amen Christine! I agree with you! I’m from GA and that is just a phrase that has been around for a very long time. This post is very disturbing. You have made that phrase seem very twisted and not true.
“Girls will be girls” does not make being a catty, clique-y, arrogant backstabber acceptable.
“Boys will be boys” does not make being an excessively aggressive bully acceptable.
I have had numerous positive experiences with both genders (but more so with boys). Both aforementioned examples are projections of insecurity.
FlutistPride recently posted…Rolling Boy
As much as I agree with you on this I need to point out that it works both ways. My rather gorgeous ( if I say so myself) son was followed, pushed, poked, verbally tormented ( “I can see your underwear”) and nagged at by 2 similar aged girls last week. He was totally harassed and fed up. They obviously liked him and wanted his attention. He was trying to talk programming with a new friend. “girls will be girls” too.
Alyson recently posted…Travel Doesn’t Change You, It Sets You Free
Oh Alyson, I totally agree. It isn’t acceptable for *any* child to behave poorly or bully. I think my biggest issue with the “boys will be boys” is the extent to which our society uses it. When girls are young, they tell boys “they tease you because they like you” (which isn’t okay) but when girls are in their teens, no one accepts that anymore. When boys are inappropriate towards women, it’s “boys will be boys” whether they’re 7 or 17!
I absolutely love this post! I have a two year old boy and his father and I discuss often how we will handle the “boys will be boys concept.” It’s extremely important to us that he grows up to be respectful of women and stands up for what is right. Thank you for this.
I can’t help but agree. I live in the South and that saying is used wayyy to often to show that what a boy is doing is completely justified bc he is just being a boy lol. I always looked at it by saying boys will be boys when they play in the mud or the rain or other boyish disgusting lil things like that lol but to say that same phrase when they do something that’s completely unexceptable and rude is just horrible and soo not right.. and it makes perfect sense to me how people may say that and think it’s just the norm for a boy to be like that when it’s not.. me and my husband will be having our 1st Child in November and it’s a boy and we’ve already had very long talks and discussions about how he’s going to be taught to respect everybody especially girls and women.. our society has changed soo much that this generation seems to get away with a whole lot more than we could ever get away with 20 years ago and it’s truly sad to think about.. bc it truly starts at home when they’re young.. some parents just don’t care or think it’s cute for their young children to use profanity and bully other children when it’s not ok. It’s situations like that that may make it harder for us to continue to teach our own kids how to respect and treat others bc they’ll say well Tommy said this and his mama don’t care or whatever the case may be… it’s a scary thought but it’s soo nice to see other women who still have morals for not just themselves but for their children and their futures.. thanks for this post it really hit home and I wish all of you ladies the best of luck in raising nice respectful and sweet young men. God bless you!
Thank you for raising your boys properly, thank you for making a difference.
Thanks to moms like you, my little girl (and ME) will be able to walk without fear and live with peace of mind knowing.
Something sadly most women our age are not able to do, because “boy’s will be boy”s”.
Thank you for making a HUGE difference.
Please keep sharing.