I’ve spent the last week talking to my husband, my best friend, and my mom about how I am failing my son.
“I’m losing it. I just keep messing up and I don’t even know how. Whatever I do is wrong, and it sets them off and it never stops.”
See, our world revolves around several basic routines because of A-Man’s autism. Most of the time that is just fine, but occasionally there are routines that he can’t explain. Those unspoken routines get messed up a lot. Usually by me.
This week I gave him the wrong colored bowl one morning at breakfast, even though he eats from multiple bowls on a regular basis. Somehow on that day he did not want that bowl. Meltdown.
Another day I re-filled his bowl and Baby M’s at the same time and couldn’t remember which bowl belonged to which kid. So I asked A-Man. Wrong choice. Asking him to pick a color isn’t part of the routine. Meltdown.
And another day I put milk in his cereal, which he likes, but again that day he apparently didn’t like milk. So I got him a new bowl of cereal without milk, looking to fix the routine and avoid the meltdown that I could feel building. Wrong again, apparently, because he wanted the old bowl (that was currently sitting in the sink waiting to be washed) to immediately be washed, dried, and filled with cereal but no milk.
We didn’t have time for that. I didn’t have time for that. And of course, meltdown.
He wanted milk, but he didn’t want milk. He wanted the old bowl, but he also wanted the new bowl. He was so overwhelmed. He couldn’t process that many changes so absolutely nothing became an acceptable solution.
I was failing my son and his routines that he couldn’t explain to me.
Failing My Son and the Routines He Can’t Explain
We Live Our Life By Routines
In this house, we live our life dictated by routines and rituals. Mondays we go to Nima’s house, then therapy, then Daddy B’s house. After lunch we have a rest time.
It isn’t as simple as rest time, though. After lunch A-Man must give hugs and kisses to every family member who is home and awake, then he goes in his room and waits for Baby M.
When Baby M is done with lunch and ready for rest time, they both go in their room and must have a cracker or a cookie. Then they “rest” which really means play in their room with the door closed so I don’t go crazy can get work done.
We have routines for everything
- Leaving the house
- Getting home
- Getting dressed
- Putting on jammies
- Getting into the car
- Getting out of the car
- Going to the store
- Dinner
- Bedtime
- Waking up
- Literally every process that our family does each day
Sometimes That Works Beautifully
I happen to be a big fan of routines. I get the same meal from whatever restaurant I go to, I get the same drink from every coffee stand, I take the same way to get home regardless of traffic.
I understand A-Man’s need for routines and rituals more than most people. So I do everything I can to make sure they happen, and I don’t like to mess up his routines.
When everything is going according to plan, things work beautifully.
We run into snags here and there like if we’re ready twenty minutes early, but we already put shoes on so we have to immediately leave. But I just take extra time getting wherever we’re going. It’s manageable when I know the routine, too.
But Sometimes I Don’t Even Know the Routine Exists
This is where we run into serious trouble. If I leave out a step of a routine that I didn’t know existed, we can pretty much call off the rest of the day and know that nothing else is getting done.
We face an extreme meltdown that can last anywhere from 20 minutes to 2-3 hours. Once I realize my grave mistake that I couldn’t possibly have known in advance, there is no going back to fix it. I’ve already messed up the routine and anything we do after that point is off-script.
The very worst part is that he screams for help. He begs me to make his world right again, and I can’t. No matter what I try I make it worse. All I can do is love him through it and continue to be his safe place. It’s hard, mamas. Really, freaking, hard.
The Days I Feel Like I’m Failing
While I’d love to say that every time I mess up a routine I didn’t know existed and A-Man has a meltdown I stay calm and help him through his meltdown patiently, there are plenty of days I just lose it.
It is hard to get screamed at for something that isn’t your fault every day for a month. It’s hard to get hit and kicked for something you didn’t even know you did wrong. It’s hard when all of the kids feed off of each other and soon three out of the four are screaming while you have a migraine.
Sometimes you’re going to snap. I’m not saying that’s good or that it should happen, but it’s reality. I want you to know that you are not a terrible mother because you had a terrible day. I am reminding myself of that still every day.
Call your best friend and cry on the phone, tell your husband that you need him to watch the kids while you go to Starbucks, get your parents to watch the kids so you can eat a meal without anyone screaming at you or pulling on you or interrupting your conversation. Take some time to rest and recharge, because all too soon you’ll be messing up another routine that you didn’t even know existed.
Read More “Day in the Life” Posts Below
How to Homeschool your Child with Special Needs | Natural Beach Living
Day to Day Life Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder | Every Star is Different
Life with Trauma ~ Living in the shadows | STEAM Powered Family
Reality Bites: Autism and Daily Life | My Home Truths
Why Special Needs Moms are Exhausted All the Time, But Will Never Ask for Help| Life Over C’s
A Day in the Life of a Special Needs Mom| The Chaos and The Clutter
A Day in the Life: A Blogging Mom and Her Special Needs Kids | B-Inspired Mama
Failing My Son and the Routines He Can’t Explain | This Outnumbered Mama
Everyday Accommodations & Strategies for Kids with Hyperlexia | And Next Comes L
The Importance of Visual Schedules for Non-Verbal Autistic Children | Kori at Home
One Simple Trick to Connect with Your Child – Even on the Rough Days| Parenting Chaos
Navigating The Stream: The Trails of Daily Routine | 3 Dinosaurs
Thank you for taking the time to write this. It’s all so true and spot on. Funny story, we actually ridded our house of all dishes, except for one set for each kid, each a different color. Each cup, bowl, plate, and even utensils matched, because I could not handle another meltdown first thing in the morning over a cup or a spoon. And the milk, and how the toast was cut… It goes on and on. Each kiddo receives a cup of milk. If they choose to drink it from the cup, great. If they choose to pour it in their bowl with cereal that’s fine too. Seriously, I loved all the personal experiences you shared, just because they were so relatable. And those routines you don’t know exist… You are doing awesome!
I try to work with my little guy’s routines/expectations the best I can, but sometimes he just has to meet me half way! Sometimes he does, and sometimes he loses it, but overall, I try to think of it as a good learning experience. Not everything can be just so, and learning ways to deal/cope with it are important (difficult for kids with Autism, but I don’t think impossible). I try to offer comfort while he is going having his moment, but afterwards, I try explaining how he might have handled himself differently and explain why things didn’t go the way he wanted. He’s only 3, so I’m not sure how much gets through to him! I love the previous commenters idea to have one set of plates for each person! Do you find that your sons sensitivity/flexibility goes through phases? We have months of just horrible meltdown after meltdown and then months were he is much more flexible. I try to remember that when we are going through a rough patch.
Thanks for sharing such an honest story. I think it always helps others to know that they are not the only ones going through things. I feel for you and your son and hope that things improve a little and he is able to process it a little more.
The routines are a means of seeking a sense of security. I take this particular rough patch to mean “My sense of security is falling apart at the seams for reasons intangible to me and it’s causing me a great deal of distress.” The bowls are probably a symbol of a broader concept he doesn’t quite know how to articulate. (There I go again, being excessively analytical.) Then again, you know A-Man best.
Oh, I can so relate to this Kaylene. And I know how hard it is when they are pleading with you for help and you are helpless – it’s damn hard. I love your honesty and your vulnerability in this. I hope you don’t mess up too many more unwritten routines! (from the mama who gets it wrong every day too x)
I feel the same way when meltdowns spike. I am impressed such routine was even developed in the first place. HOW do people keep meltdowns and just adverse behavior from interrupting their schedules? For us if it’s not a sensory problem or fear of crowds then it’s the adhd and I’m spending half the day trying to do damage control and keep our kid calm enough to focus for one minute.
Growing up most of my life was about spontaneity! I didn’t know how often I would be pulled from school to go to a place my parents wanted to go- whether it was for that morning or a week. That being said I have tried time and time again to set a routine with my child. I didn’t want to be the same way. Before we knew she had autism (didn’t see obvious symptoms) our kid had one of the most “to the T” schedules out of everyone we knew as far as eating times, tv time, hygiene, and bed time routines. But as she developed more symptoms it got so much more difficult and even seems IMPOSSIBLE!
On top of going from living in someone’s house (who would have people occasionally interrupting the routine) to now living in an “affordable” apartment means our sleep in interrupted over half the week, let alone my kid will have a meltdown over hearing other kids scream around here or people racing bikes and drones etc. Then she might be going through severe Trichotillomania or having issues with IBS. Or MY IBS and nerve damage ramps up. Some days we will miraculously get about 60% done of what I planned for the day when we have extra help, most days it’s closer to 10-25%. Even if we were less affected by these health issues I don’t see how people actually follow a day’s schedule- even for just one whole day. We have had doctors and therapists cancel appointments on us several times, or there is just way more traffic than usual and more people than usual at the store so it takes three times as long to get out. Life is unpredictable. I know part of it is my lack of time-management because of how I was raised but before I had my kid I went to school part time and had an overtime job with no car. Maybe it’s my very low energy due to health problems mixed with her ADHD more than the autism that throws us. I wish I could find the answer but we have tried all sorts of physical schedules and warning our kid ahead of transitions and as much noise-proofing as we can and nothing seems to make enough of a difference. She recently pulled out half of her hair while I’m sleeping (no exaggeration), it’s depressing not being able to help her enough and I’ve felt like I’m drowning. Prayer has helped and we DID get her to mostly stop pulling at my sanity’s expense and with a haircut, but I know it and other problems will be back. How do we just “go on” with a schedule when almost every day it’s something else puttijng a major “damper” on things?