Here’s where I post a trigger warning, this post includes pregnancy loss.
Four years ago, I found out that I was pregnant with my third baby. I was excited, stressed, and planning just like any pregnant mama would be. Less than a week later I was in the ER with bleeding and being told “sometimes these things happen” and begging the doctors to find a heartbeat.
In the four years since, I’ve gotten divorced, gotten married, had two more children, become a stay at home mom, and experienced many other crazy changes to my life.
But every single day I think about that baby. Every single June I think back to how excited I was and how heartbroken and helpless I felt. Every Feburary as I celebrate Mr. C’s birthday, I wonder what day this angel baby would have been born, and I wonder what they would be like at each birthday they’d have.
I wonder many things about this baby I never got to hold.
I Wonder if You Would Like Trains..
You would have been my third baby, and I will always wonder if you were a boy or girl. I have heard it’s helpful to name babies we never got to meet, but I don’t know how to name you. Would you be more of a Taylor or a Jamie?
I wonder if you would have been active at night like your siblings were, or if maybe you would have preferred to kick around in my belly in the early morning. I wonder if you would have come early, or if you would have been stubborn and stayed in my belly as long as you could.
I wonder if you would like trains, or if you’d prefer dinosaurs or ballerinas.
I wonder if you’d like the silly songs that I’d make up to sing to you.
I wonder what it would sound like to hear you sing with me.
I wonder if you’d like to snuggle like your brothers, or if you’d prefer your independence like your baby sister.
I wonder if you would be autistic like A-Man, or gifted like Mr. C, or developmentally delayed like Baby M, or neurotypical like Miss S. Or maybe you’d be a whole other thing that I haven’t had experience with yet.
Maybe you would love it when we read Dr. Seuss, and maybe you’d giggle when I told you about reading it when I was a little kid.
I wonder if you’d prefer mama or mommy.
I wonder if you would make friends easily or if you’d be shy. I wonder what types of crazy quotes you’d come up with that I would put on Facebook to remember forever.
I wonder if you’d have brown eyes or blue. I wonder if you’d have light hair or dark. I wonder what age you’d start losing your toddler chubbiness and start looking like a big kid.
I wonder if you’d love to read like I do, and I wonder what books we’d read together.
I wonder what late night talks we would have, and I wonder about who your first love would be. I wonder if you’d like hot cocoa or tea, and I wonder what it would be like to share those special moments with you.
I wonder what you’d be like as a teenager and what clubs you would join. Would you be a choir nerd, or more of a band geek? Maybe a football player.
I wonder if you would go to prom, and what it would be like to take pictures before the big dance. I wonder if I would embarrass you by crying, but really I know that I would embarrass you by crying.
I wonder if you’d grow up to be a writer like me. I wonder if somehow somewhere you’re reading this letter. I wonder if you’re sad that I haven’t come up with a name.
I wonder if you are dancing. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. I wonder if you know I still cry for you.
I wonder if you know that you’ll always be my third baby. I wonder if you know I won’t ever forget. I wonder if you watch for over your siblings. I wonder if there’s a reason I never got to hold you.
I wonder if you would like trains.