This post kills me to write. It truly, truly hurts my heart. I, unfortunately, am asked about this often enough that I felt the need to address it in a blog post. Maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and think about it before they ask another mom such a personal and hurtful question.
My middle son, A-Man, has autism, dyspraxia, severe sensory processing disorder, and an expressive language delay. My youngest son, Baby M, has severe sensory processing disorder and an extensive global developmental delays which essentially means that every aspect of his development (speech, physical, social, etc) is delayed. We are in the process of beginning genetic testing because it is believed that Baby M’s special needs may have a genetic component. Unfortunately because of all of these, I am asked this question over and over again.
What If You Have More Babies With Special Needs?
They Will Be Loved, Cared For, And Wanted.
Just like all of my children. Just like any children we will have in the future, regardless of needs. Whether this baby is gifted, like Mr. C, has special needs, like A-Man and Baby M, or is neurotypical, like we’ve never experienced before, it doesn’t matter. When people ask this, they are implying that A-Man and Baby M’s lives are somehow worth less because of their special needs. That we love them because we have them, of course, but that given the choice we would want a neurotypical child without any special needs. This, frankly, is ridiculous. If I have another child with autism, I will be thrilled because I choose to see the gifts and the challenges that come along with the disorder. If I have another child with a global developmental delay, I will celebrate their every milestone reached because I know how hard they have to work for each accomplishment. If I have another child who is gifted, I will cherish the chances to have late night talks about the books we’re reading. If I have a child who’s neurotypical, I will be excited to be able to learn about parenting all over again. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t want another child “as long as it’s healthy”, I want whatever children God has planned for me.
They Will Have An Understanding Family.
When A-Man has a tough time at play group, Mr. C is there to tell the other kids that “A-Man’s brain works differently, it isn’t his fault he doesn’t play the same as you”. Our family is all over the neurological spectrum, and because of that, our kids have grown up with no choice but to understand and accept other people’s differences. Just like Mr. C needed to learn to understand why it’s so much harder for A-Man to share or Baby M to walk, A-Man needed to learn that Mr. C needs some alone time to read each day and Baby M doesn’t have as much balance so he needs to play gentler with him. Our family understands starting school early because a child is ready and needs to be challenged, and we understand putting formal schooling off because just holding a pencil would be incredibly difficult. We understand going to therapies every week and specialist appointments every month. We understand that every child has different needs, and we, as their family, are meant to meet those needs.
They Will Grow Up Knowing That Their Life Matters.
I will spend every day of my life making sure that all of my children know that they were designed exactly as they are for a purpose. Mr. C never stops talking, maybe he will give great speeches one day. A-Man builds anything he can get his hands on into a train, maybe he will become an engineer. Baby M is incredibly picky, maybe he will be a food critic. I have no idea what my children will become when they grow up, but I know that it will be perfect for them. I want all of my children to know that every life has meaning and a purpose. Whether my future children are gifted, have autism, have a global developmental delay, need a wheelchair, are neurotypical, or have any sort of special needs, their life matters. It matters to me. It matters to their big brothers. It matters to their Dad. It matters to this world.
If you have a child with special needs, have people asked you about planning more children? Am I oversensitive about this question?
Beautifully said! I’m sharing this post because people need to understand this. I have a daughter on the autism spectrum so I know what you mean. People just don’t think before they speak sometimes. I guess we have to become ambassadors to spread understanding and answer with grace when we can. Unless someone is truly being deliberately hurtful, then that’s another story entirely. And yes, that happens too, unfortunately!
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Oh thank you friend! I agree completely with what you’ve said here. People honestly don’t understand when they haven’t had children with special needs, so it’s always best to respond with grace. There are days when that grace is harder to muster up, though!
Teaching acceptance is important. Practicing acceptance is even more so.
I absolutely agree, friend.
Thank you for this! I struggle almost daily with the want/need to have another child, my husband and I have slightly different views on the topic. My daughter is 21 months with a significant global delay and some other health issues, just no known cause or actual diagnosis yet. I have a fear that I won’t be able to handle it and it won’t be “fair” to another child or to N because I won’t be able to give them the proper attention- but I feel maybe that is a normal fear no matter what is going on with your children.