I catch a fist flying towards me just in time to miss the headbutt that’s aimed squarely at my chin.
I take deep breaths to keep from screaming out while I calmly put pressure on his head, hoping it will be enough input to keep him from throwing his head again.
I’m His Safe Place.
I wonder to myself if it’s going to be five minutes, fifteen minutes, or several hours.
I think about how many hours there are until my husband gets off work.
I think about the homeschool lessons I’m not available for and the fact that I need to nurse the baby and a million other things while I dodge punches and kicks.
Four Powerful Words to Remember When Your Autistic Child Targets You
(Image description: Mom holds and hugs her son. Teal and coral text reads: “4 Powerful Words to Remember When Your Autistic Child Targets You” on a white background. White Autistic Mama infinity logo in top left corner.)
Autism meltdowns are no joke, friends.
They can be scary, painful, and overwhelming. Even more so for the autistic person who is experiencing the meltdown.
Sometimes as parents we feel like they’re our fault.
Sometimes we feel like we walk on eggshells waiting for the next one to begin.
Sometimes we feel like we’re just done.
We just need to remember these four powerful words.
I’m His Safe Place.
My son has recently become more aggressive.
I’ve hesitated to share it on the blog, and I’m still nervous to hit publish.
I have simply decided that it is extremely important for other mothers to know that they are not alone, and this is not your fault.
See, my son is aggressive towards me, primarily.
He doesn’t hit Chris. He doesn’t hit his biological dad. Until very recently he didn’t hit his siblings.
9 times out of 10, A-Man’s aggression is targeted at me.
(Related: How to tell a sensory meltdown from a tantrum)
I’m His Safe Place.
Sometimes it really gets to me that my son targets me with such rage.
Why doesn’t he hit anyone else? What did I do to him?
Many times I’ve said “he hates me” through tears after a difficult meltdown.
“He just hates me”.
He doesn’t target me because he hates me.
He doesn’t have meltdowns coming home to my house because I’m a terrible mother.
He does it because I’m his safe place.
I’m not saying that Chris isn’t safe, or that my ex-husband isn’t safe. But I’m A-Man’s safe place.
I’m the person who is always there. I am the person who kisses boo-boos, who tucks him in, and who gets his cereal.
I’m the one he knows will love him at his worst, so he gives me his worst.
He gives me the headbutts, the punches, the kicks and the bites.
He gives me the screaming, the flailing, the crying, and the frustration.
He saves it for me. He does his best to keep it together for strangers, for his dads, and everyone else, but with me, he can stop working so hard.
And you know what? I think I can take it.
(Related: The vital steps to take after a meltdown that you’re probably not doing)
Because I’m His Safe Place.
I will take the punches, the screaming, and the headbutts. Because I also get the smiles, the stims, and the joy.
I will take the frustration, the crying, and the kicks. Because I also get the songs, the laughter, and the silliness.
I will be his safe place because he is my safe place.
I will be his safe place because he needs me to be.
I will be his safe place because he is my son, and I am his mom.
I’m his safe place.
If you’ve been looking for a group where you can work towards understanding, accepting, and embracing your child’s (or your own!) autism with other parents and self-advocates on the same journey as you, you’ve found your place.
I don’t promise to know all the answers (or even half of them) but I do promise to be there to support you in your journey, whichever side of the divide you’re on.
Together we can celebrate successes, support each other on hard days, and step closer towards truly embracing autism each and every day.
Click the image below and tell me a bit more about yourself to join the Embracing Autism group to finally feel like you fit in an autism support group!
You can also watch my live about why autistic children tend to behave for everyone else and then fall apart with one person (often their mom) here!
If you loved this post, you might also enjoy…
5 Calming Strategies for Autism Meltdowns
When the Doctor Said His Autism Was Just My Parenting
What a difficult post to write, Kaylene. As a homeschooler myself, I have gone through so many different emotions on a daily basis. Sending you hugs. Liked your pages and following you. Would love to connect. – Carlen | http://www.realmomswingingit.com
I think “I hate you” translates to “I am frustrated, overwhelmed, and drowning in torrents of anguish and agony and I trust you to weather the storm with me.”
FlutistPride recently posted…The Side Effects of Giftedness in 10 Songs
Kaylene,
That’s great you have turned a frustrating situation into hope. For many moms of children with autism, it’s a struggle ever minute, or until a therapist comes to the door :-)
See, I’ve been an ABA therapist for over 10 years and have worked with babies, toddlers, children and even worked the school with older kids.
While my job was tough, it was one of the best jobs I’ve had. To see a child smile, to hear them say “I love you ” to their mom, and to see them play with other kids, is something I’ll never forget.
You’re doing great!
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This is so touching. I am pregnant now and I cannot wait to be that safe place for my son!
Congratulations! <3
So glad you shared. While my daughter is not autistic, she has sensory issues and ADHD. Sometime she gets overloaded and melts down – these can be ugly and sometimes violent. Now that she is school age, she tries so hard to keep it together in school that she can lose control when she gets home. At first, it broke my heart but now I understand that this reflects that she feels safe with me. It is hard to share these harder times with our children but its so important. We need to know we’re not alone.
Dearest Kaylene, I truly understand your love and your struggle with your precious little boy. We raised our son, who is diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. He is second of three, and we homeschooled. (Wouldn’t change that for the world!) He’s now an adult who is married, went to college and has finally found a niche that supports his family. #2 (as I’ll refer to him) understands that he processes and relates to the world in an atypical way. Any parent in our shoes understands what these milestones represent for our individual child. They are hard fought, if they actually are even attainable. Before we knew how he would grow, what his adult life would look like, there came a time when he would become aggressive. First it was toward himself, then toward his siblings and so on. We chose to set boundaries with consequences. We sought to instill in #2 an awareness of others, which was very slow to take hold. The consequences were seemingly small, but to him no legos for an afternoon was a major deprivation. Now this would require some overlooking of his reaction to the forfeiture. Our comfort was sweet, gentle, full of love and sympathy. It required some patience and special attention while offering an alternative enjoyment, which of course was never as pleasing :) As #2 grew, he learned an awareness of others which set the stage to learn about making an acquaintance, participating in conversation, then the finer points of body language and eye contact could be taught and practiced. These types of maturity were only possible because we cultivated empathy and reinforced behaviors which were moving toward self awareness. I encourage you to think about the precedent which you are setting by being your son’s safe place with out regard to how he’s learning to process his feelings and the affect it may have on his ability to function as an adolescent and adult. I am not passing sentence on your family, or your son, please understand that I realize that each child has different capabilities. You must think about a way to instill some sense of what is loving, safe and acceptable way to relate to others, for his future, for the adult you hope for him to become.
sincerely, LM
Hi I have been teaching children with ASD for many years and it ends up that these children need to have strong relationships. Developing relationships may mean that you might have to sit and rock for a bit to find the same world or listen and dance to that same tune over and over again. Once you are in you can begin to make small gentle changes developing interactions and creating relationships. Many times it is the heavy crashing and big muscle play of climbing and jumping into a crash mat that alleviates the sensory overload and the release of the real child begins.
It might also be the quiet moment of signing and talking gently to uncover a small skill of sharing or taking a turn with a friend. Believe me life is more complicated but far more rewarding and small steps are giant leaps. Hang in there and remember understanding your child is extremely important and will only help to improve the future.
Thank you you just described my life. I hope to be my daughters safe place always and forever. Thanks for sharing. I joined the group.
Thanks for writing this, Kaylene. I needed this. My son has become more aggressive, mainly to me, and I’m struggling with it because it has never really been like him to be aggressive. This is just the reminder I needed.
Thank you for your sweet comment, Tiff. Sending you all the hugs in the world. I know how hard it is when there’s such a big change in behavior. <3 You're a wonderful mama.
Thank you so much! This made me cry and realize that I am my son’s safe place. I have never realized it before.
Thank you for this! I happened onto your blog this morning while trying to figure out how to explain tantrum vs meltdown to my family.
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My daughter as been diagnosed with autism in the last 2 yes, so I’m still struggling to deal with it, been struggling since she was 4 yes old, now 12, she is hard work, I am always reading posts about autism, and sensory issues, which my daughter as,this is really nice , xx
Thank you for sharing! There for a minute I felt like I was reading about myself. I have asked myself the same so many times because it was always directed at me.It was upsetting to me at first.I always asked why me until talking to doctors, advocates, etc.I was always there just like you said through it all.He knew I’d forgive him and love him unconditionally! I’m his safe place and always will be 💞
Thank you for writing this! It explains so much for me. I feel ashamed of myself for feeling so angry at my son when he hits me. I’ve even hit back at times… Why does he target me? That is right, I am the safe place. It’s true for all of us right? Why do we lash out at those we love the most? We feel safe to be at our best and our worst. Our most loved know everything about us.
I am just finding this article in 6/2020 because my little one does this also. It is very sad. I am going to talk with our dr specifically about this as I realized I have not yet. I want to ask for tips to help be ause while I want to always make her feel safe, I do not want her to get relief from being physical with me (herself or anyone) in the longrun as she gets older. Thank you for the post and spotlighting what can be very hurtful in our autistic family lives.
I know I’m late to finding this post but Google seems to bury stories about kids being aggressive toward their parents rather than the other way around.My son is 10, bigger and stronger than I, and extremely aggressive toward me. I’m a single mom, so there’s no waiting for someone to come through the door to help me. I wish. His dad left pretty soon after the diagnosis. I am an HSP (also diagnosed with autism, but not sure that’s true). I hate my son’s aggression. I hate bleeding and being bruised and being hurt. I love him – and this is the hardest word – BUT. It shouldn’t be that way. I should love him unconditionally. I want to but I have to be on guard all the time. He’s punched the windshield out of my car, grabbed my hair and arms off the steering wheel, bitten me until blood runs down my arms, and I’m constantly covered in bruises from the pinching, hitting, and kicking. Of course, my ex (who gets him every other weekend) says it’s me. It’s my fault because he doesn’t do it with others. I’ve considered suicide to escape the abuse but I also have a daughter who needs me. I cannot escape this situation and I can’t help my son. There seems to be no hope. I don’t think I’m his safe space. I think I’m his punching bag. Please help me change my mindset. I’m so lost and desperate. I do love him even if that makes me sound crazy.