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“Is he struggling because of his autism or is this normal behavior struggles we should address?”

“I’m just trying to find out… Is this an autism thing that we should accept, or is it a behavior?”

“I just don’t know if she’s misbehaving or she’s just doing this because she’s Autistic”

I hear questions like this over and over and over again from the parents in my community.

It all boils down to this: Is it autism or behavior?

And the answer isn’t as simple as you might think.

So today I’m going to dive into the difference between autism and everyday behaviors, as well as how to approach both autism and behaviors.

Boy has an angry face and his hands are on his head. Text reads: How to Know If It Is Autism or Behavior And Does It Matter?

Is It Autism or Behavior?

And before we really dive in, I want to take a moment to appreciate those who are asking this question.

Because here’s what it tells me about you as a parent…

It tells me that you are doing your absolute best to not change who your Autistic child is.

And that, my friend, is HUGE.

In a society where most Autistics are being taught to change everything about themselves to appear more neurotypical, you simply taking the step to actively avoid changing Autistic behaviors is awesome.

In this post, we’re going to build on what you’re already doing right, and we’re going to take the acceptance of Autistic behaviors a step further.

So let’s dive in, friend!

How We Approach Autistic Behaviors

When people are asking this question, is it autism or behavior, one of the primary reasons is that most of us fundamentally approach Autistic behaviors and general behaviors differently.

We understand Autistic behaviors are something done because of our children’s unique neurology and it’s often happening for a reason that we didn’t even know about.

We understand that Autistic behaviors like scripting or stimming might sometimes be annoying (just being honest, sometimes my kid’s autism pokes my autism right in the eye), but they need to be accepted because it’s a part of who they are.

And ultimately, we understand that we should only try to change our Autistic child’s behaviors if they are harmful to themselves or others.

How We Approach Behavior

Now the flip side… How do we approach behavior?

Well, if we look at society as a whole, we look at behavior as something your child is doing that needs to be stopped at all costs.

Maybe when dealing with behavior you might think of things like:

  • Timeouts
  • Grounding
  • “Talking To”s
  • Taking Things Away
  • Assigning Extra Chores

The primary belief is that behaviors are things our children are doing intentionally and that it is our job to train them to not do those behaviors.

Whereas autism is something our children aren’t in control of—it’s who they are—so it should be accepted and accommodated for.

But personally, I approach behavior differently than society tells me to.

Kind of like I approach autism differently than society tells me to. But more about that in a bit…

A New Way of Seeing Behavior

What if we looked at ALL behavior, the way we look at autism?

What if we believe that ALL behavior is communicating something?

That ALL behavior is happening for a reason?

That ALL behavior deserves understanding and accommodation?

I believe that children do well when they can and that all behavior is communication.

And that means I believe that the best way to handle children’s behaviors (Autistic behaviors or general behaviors) is to find out the reason that behavior is happening and address the reason.

That isn’t to say that we don’t do anything about any behaviors, it’s simply saying that we approach all behaviors in the same way.

FREE Boundaries Masterclass

Now if you’re wondering how to address your child’s behaviors, and how to start to have some effective boundaries that actually work, I’m so excited to share something with you!!

Because you can do this. And I want to make it even easier.

So click here to get access to my free masterclass where I walk you through exactly how to set (and stick to) effective boundaries, even if your neurodivergent child has walked over every single boundary you’ve tried to set before now.

Because I get it. As an Autistic adult and parent of 6 neurodivergent kids myself, boundaries are no-freaking-joke.

That’s exactly why I designed this masterclass! 💕

In this power-packed training, you’ll get answers on how to handle behaviors when you’d rather just hide and avoid the conflict, what to do when you’re not sure a behavior is even in your child’s control, and so much more!

I’m taking you behind the scenes and walking you through exactly what’s working with my family AND with my clients. You’re getting the “real real” of what’s actually working for neurofamilies like yours.

So if you’re ready to:

✔️ Figure out why your kid isn’t following any boundary you set (even though they’re totally capable and you SAW them do it yesterday)

✔️ Know exactly when you should stick to boundaries and when you should be flexible without feeling like a total flake

✔️ And feel like a freaking parent again—you know, one that’s actually raising your kid to be a good human…

Then you’ve got to click here and watch the free masterclass: 5 Shifts to Effective Boundaries for Neurodivergent Kids!

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About Kaylene

Kaylene George is an autistic self-advocate, author, and mother of five, including one autistic child. She realized her own autism as an adult shortly after her son received his initial diagnosis. Suddenly the parts of her that seemed so “weird” to society had an answer. Since then, Kaylene has passionately shared about her experiences with autism from both sides of the great divide between parents and autistic self-advocates on AutisticMama.com.