There are many “mommy wars” topics that get really heated. Breastfeeding or formula? Co-sleeping or CIO? Working mom or stay at home mom?
One of those battles is over the kid-leash-backpack-things.
Moms either love them and swear by them, or they hate them and think they’re cruel.
Now, this post isn’t about my feelings on the kid-leash-backpack-things, but about a conversation in a mom’s group that stuck with me forever.
“I hate those leashes. It’s absolutely unacceptable to treat your child like an animal and leash it. I mean, unless they’re disabled or something, then I guess I understand it. But if not, it’s degrading.”
So, just to point out, it is degrading and unacceptable to do something to a typical child, but it becomes okay when they have a disability?
Friends, this is ableism.
You may have never heard of ableism, or you may think it’s the newest term in our “politically correct” world. Let me tell you, it’s real, and it comes from all parts of society.
Luckily, with this post, you’ll easily be able to know if something is ableist or not.
The Ridiculously Simple Way to Know if Something is Ableist
What Does “Ableist” Mean?
Ableism is discrimination in favor of able-bodied people.
Seems simple right? And your first instinct might be to say, “well of course I don’t discriminate against the disabled!” But the fact is, you might without even realizing it.
See, not all ableism is easy to spot, and many people find themselves justifying ableism.
Note, this isn’t even necessarily your fault. We all have grown up with the obvious and not-so-obvious forms of ableism shoved in our faces, just like our parents did.
We do, however, have the ability to recognize and call out ableism when it occurs to help our children grow up differently than we did.
Obvious Ableism
There are some forms of ableism that are completely obvious to everyone.
If you’re cruel to disabled people, use the R-Word, or believe that disabled people should have less rights than able-bodied people.
Here’s the issue. Most people can recognize the obvious ableism in society, but as a society we try to justify it.
“I grew up saying it, it’s too much of a habit”
“Of course they should be paid less, they do less work”
“The parents should make that decision, they’re the ones dealing with her”
^ those are all examples of justifying obvious ableism.
Not-So-Obvious Ableism
There are also some not-so-obvious examples of ableism that might be harder to spot. These might be called “micro-aggressions”.
These could be as simple as judging a person who “doesn’t look disabled” who uses a disabled parking space or telling your child not to hang out with their classmate with ADHD because they’re a “bad kid”.
There are also examples of how society as a whole favors able-bodied people and discriminates against disabled people like having inaccessible buildings, or unattainable rules for “societal norms”.
It can be a lot harder to point out these micro-aggressions, but luckily, I’ve got a ridiculously simple way to know if something is ableist or not.
Replace it With a Race and/or Gender
See, I told you this would be ridiculously simple.
If there were tons of buildings around town that made it impossible for a black person to enter, that would definitely be racist. That means doing it to disabled people is ableist.
“I’m all for inclusion, but if they’re being really distracting, it isn’t fair to the other kids to share their classroom”. Is that okay to say about Hispanic people? Nope? Then it’s also not okay for disabled people.
What if a business said they can’t hire women because they don’t work as hard? We’d be up in arms. If it would be sexist, it is definitely ableist.
Would it be Acceptable for an Able Person?
In case you find a scenario that doesn’t make sense with the above method, I’ve added another one.
If it would not be acceptable for an able-bodied person, it’s not acceptable for a disabled person.
In the controversy with The Mighty, many of the parents said that they could write whatever they wanted about their disabled children because their children would never know how to read.
That’s extremely ableist.
If you wouldn’t do something to an able-bodied child, do not do it to your disabled children.
It’s honestly that simple. In fact, it’s so simple, I can’t believe it needed a post.
If you loved this post, you might also enjoy…
5 Powerful Autism Secrets the Doctors Won’t Tell You
It depends on how you (as an individual or collective) generally treat people too. If you would reject an able-bodied/neurotypical person from an ensemble for not meeting outlined audition standards, a disabled person should be subject to the same treatment.
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I see your point that discrimination against people with disabilities is prevalent, and your ablest test makes a lot of sense – society should make an effort conform to the individual’s needs rather than excuse them. You also mention the obvious indicators, such as using the R-word, however your picture linking to an article about “Crazy Autism Secrets” uses the C-word, which is disparaging to people with a mental illness.
Thank you, Daniel! That was an old post, which I’ve now updated. I didn’t know then how pervasive ableist language went, and since I’ve learned more I’ve been working to remove things like this from my site. Thank you for pointing it out so I could correct it!
Thank you for this awesome post! I’ve been dealing with ableism from a psychologist and social worker who are both great people who mean well but simply don’t get it.
When I explained that the psychologist doing some testing had said something very ableist to me (I’m autistic and she said “If you were really autistic you wouldn’t need friends at all” which was hurtful in itself but even more so because I was discussing an issue I was having with isolation due to being bedridden and having difficulty because of my autism and physical disabilities,in making friends.)
When I tried to tell my social worker,in the hope of letting the psychologist know so maybe she could get a training or something without being confrontational or upsetting to her-the social worker basically told me my experience wasn’t valid. She said I was just reading too much into it.
I have been searching online for a way to explain to her that gaslighting me isn’t helpful as well as what ableism is. She thinks us not needing friends at all is part of the diagnostic criteria -she even sent me the dsm-iv pages in email despite knowing I have a degree in psychology and did counseling work before :-/
So this is the best! You made my day with your ability to articulate exactly what I was trying to say so much better than I could. Very much looking forward to reading more of your blog!
Thank you!
Whatever your training or feelings about your mental healthcare provider may be… (understanding you quoted “at all”…which would suggest they’ve overstated)…
the DSM-IV ~is~ where the clinical definitions of the terms we are using come from.
It is the source or definitions insurance companies and organizations honoring ADA laws use.
I don’t dispute that DSM needs *constant* revision as it is a measure of how comfortably you fit in society in it’s current state, not how “broken” you may be in a chemical, anatomical or intrinsic way. You can wait for an update to DSM or seek a definition more corollary to what you are experiencing.
An earnest desire to meet people and make friends is antithetical to a least this part of the diagnostic criteria –
“Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.”
Excuse me? It is 100% not antithetical to want to have friends while having social deficits. I am so disgusted by your comment and how you invalidated this person after reading this article that I literally have no idea what to say. As a person with autism I can tell you quite assuredly that it is common to want to have friends and not be isolated even if you have autism and struggle with interpersonal exchanges. Also you description says ‘to absence of interest in peers’. Not exclusively and always including it.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-people-with-autism-forge-friendships/
Telling your child not to hang out with their classmate with ADHD because they’re a “bad kid” (with or without quotes) is perfectly reasonable (putting a leash on your curious toddler on a busy city street so they can walk independently is like training wheels on a bike).
Telling your child not to hang out with their classmate with ADHD because of their ADHD is dubious except most of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD, when exhibited, ~would make you a disruptive classmate.
Societal accommodation is contingent on external details. I ~was~ a disruptive influence in class, and when I heard this kind of commentary about my own children I understood the very letters we currently use to describe our mental state suggest we are not the best people to sit next to in class. I see the creativity and wild inspiration in my kids, but I recognize that there is and always will be a “blast radius” that responsible existence in society dictates carry an external warning. There is a balance to be struck but the details of that Individual Education Plan stand with the exceptional individual, not the other students in the room who need to accommodation.
We learn from our earliest moments that the animals around us are “pets”. The ways we interact with our animal companions is probably ingrained in our genes as we’ve been at it a while. I became acutely aware that anyone passing my friend with a helper dog would pet and speak to the dog and ignore my friend, invading his space and dismissing his existence at the same time. As I began to get grumpy on my friend’s behalf he clarified how he felt – Most pets are for petting. Based on relevant human experience both pet and handler approve of this without asking. My friend went on to explain that ~almost~ everyone immediately changed behaviors when the accommodations were clarified, but they had no expectations of the desired reaction to what is a novel situation for most.
Ignorance of someone else’s feelings is not always ableism, sometimes it’s just ignorance…enlighten someone today!
I stick with the advice of my stoic friend and his stoic helper Labrador; I make *any accommodation I am able and expressing my needs clearly, at least once, before assuming contrived ignorance or malice.
“Ableism is discrimination in favor of able-bodied No, it’s not, actually. Ableism is discrimination in favour of non-disabled people; that is, people who are both able-bodied and neurotypical. I should know, I used to be able-bodied, but was still autistic and disabled by both targeted and casual ableism, including my own internalised ableism instilled in me by others.
Ugh. Let’s try that one again.
“Ableism is discrimination in favor of able-bodied people.”
No, it’s not, actually. Ableism is discrimination in favour of non-disabled people; that is, people who are both able-bodied and neurotypical. I should know, I used to be able-bodied, but was still autistic and disabled by both targeted and casual ableism, including my own internalised ableism instilled in me by others.